July 7, 2017

Today was one of the harder days since my divorce. I said goodbye to various things, both from the past and current. Interestingly, I never thought I'd part with any of those things--NEVER. But I suppose that in life, we never think that anything will end even though things around us are always ending. So that makes me wonder, do we focus so much on what we wish that we don't notice what we have around us?


In the past few years I've learned a lot about myself, some good and some bad. I also was faced with my mortality, which taught me even more about not just me, but everything around me. For years, I remember waking up in the middle of the night, gripped with fear of my life ending. I panicked at the thought of the world as I knew it, ending. There in that statement lies the irony because the world I knew did indeed end. So, the fear that gripped me because a reality.


When my world as I knew it ended, life did not cease. The sun still rose. The sky was still blue. I could still breath. That's the key, I could still breath. It might hurt a little more than it did the previous day, but I could still do it. 


As time went on, I could see the blue sky. I could see the sunrise. I could see the sunset. Life began to have meaning again. Which brings me today. Today, when I woke up, I could breath, but I was having trouble seeing those vivid colors of the day. I knew today my life again would change. Today I would let go of treasures that still lingered from before the end of my pervious life, and treasures that I obtained during this new life.


I got dressed, and asked a friend to join me. Mainly because even though I was ok with my decision, I wasn't sure that I would have the strength to follow through with it. She understood and joined me. As we drove, she reassured me with reasons, phrases and just kind words.  We continued to chat until we arrived. She never missed a beat, reassuring me that the first treasure I was saying goodbye to was going to a good home. One day, I would be blessed with another one. Another one that would be mine alone, and have no memories tied to it. Ready to make new memories.


I took a deep breath and picked up the item and began walking. I didn't pause, and didn't hesitate. I just continued to walk until I meet Jennifer. She was buying it for herself and her daughter. She was beautiful, kind, and gushed about her wonderful daughter. I imagine that her daughter was just as charismatic as she was. Jennifer thanked me for holding it for her. She said she sensed that I needed time until I was ready to part with it and understood. That's when I felt more at ease. I knew that it was going to a good home. That it would be loved. It would help them create memories. It would be part of their story now. We spoke for a moment longer, and she hugged me and thanked me once again. I stood there for a moment watching her walk away with the last memory of my marriage. The last thing that he had given me. The tears that came to the surface surprised me. I hadn't realized that my heart still hadn't let go of it yet.


A few moments later, my friend and I continued with our conversation and plans for part of the day. We treated ourselves to lunch, and good conversation. This was to prepare me for the most painful goodbye yet to come. The moment when I would let go of the one thing that I grown to love during my new life. 


When we finished, we walked through a garden toward the next milestone in my life, and the garden seemed bright. I even commented on how bright it was. She agreed and we continued to walk.


When we arrived at our destination, I took a deep breath and looked to her for reassurance which she gave willing. She said she was proud of me for putting myself first. She reminded me that if my heart felt it was time, then it was time. So, I walked forward, and ended the 9-month relationship that I had with Singleton. This time, I knew the tears where going to come. This time, I knew my heart would stop beating for a moment. This time, I knew it was time. It was right.  It was painful.


Moments of us began to flash through my mind. I remembered our first kiss. I recalled us working on his bike. I could hear his laughter at my silly jokes. I remembered the first time he came to see me to surprise me with a bowl of my favorite candy, just because. I could feel all the love that had grown from all of that. The love that I felt for him and he couldn't return to me. 


I recounted to my friend the conversation that I will never forget, when I told him I felt like he was behind a gate. I could see him, but I couldn't join him. He wouldn't open the door for me to join him. He had stated that the door was open and he'd eventually be able to let me in. It was going to take some time. I often wondered if he ever would. I wondered if I could wait. In the end, I realized that the door was closing, not opening as he had promised. 


Now I'm home. I'm writing about my loss. I'm still breathing. The goodbye didn't stop me from living. It might hurt a little to breathe right now, but with time it will get easier. This reminds me of something I heard once on a show, "things happen to us, but it's our reactions that matter." Yes, it was painful saying goodbye, but remembering that I am still breathing will help me live. Live a better, more appreciative life where I can see the sunrise and set and all the brilliant colors that come with it. Goodbye does not mean have to mean the end, it can be the beginning. A beginning with new more brilliant colors.




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July 8, 2017

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