my SHOES

July 5, 2017

When I first started dating again, I was in search of something. I thought at first that I was trying to find the right one since obviously my ex-husband wasn’t the right one. Then my girlfriend pointed out that maybe I was looking for a replacement of the old model for a new model. Not to say that I wanted the same model and make, but since I was used to having someone with me all the time. I wanted someone to fill that void. My former might not have been ideal, but he was a companion. Now I wanted a companion. Someone that I could have around just like I had my ex-husband.

 

During this enlightenment, I met the one man that I have been dating for almost 9 months now. The guy that I thought was perfect. The one that that I thought I was falling in love with. The one that I’ll call “Singleton”.

 

In the process of trying to find what was best for me, and not what society thought was best for me, I met Singleton. He was tall, interesting, funny, and mature. He was someone I never expected to interest me.

 

For our first date, I was almost two hours late. I tend to get involved in what I’m doing and find myself running late almost all the time. Well, this day, I had plenty of time, but just wanted to wear something fun and flirty. Not because I thought he was a great catch, but because I was feeling more self-confident and wanted to own that self-confidence. So, I changed several times, and curled my hair. In the end, I felt sassy and sexy, and wasn’t worried if he thought it or not.

 

When I pulled up to the restaurant, he was outside on a bench waiting and shook his head when he saw me. He had been there for over an hour. He smiled and greeted me as if I was on time. It made me smile in return.

 

As we entered the restaurant, I apologized and gave him my usual list of excuses, and he assured me it was ok. As we sat down, he pulled out my chair for me, and asked to take my coat. Chivalry, it was nice.

 

We chatted and it seemed easy, comfortable. Singleton asked for the manager to my surprise because he had called ahead. He called to learn more about this spot and to arrange a pleasant visit for us. He was employed with a company that provided services for this restaurant and wanted to ensure that we enjoyed our visit. I was impressed. His attention to detail, and the way he handled himself, it was sincere and pleasant.

 

A guy that I picked from a simple bio and single picture on a dating App, suddenly seemed more interesting. He was funny. The conversation was engaging. I could see him meeting my friends, and fitting in seamlessly. An hour date, turned into a three-hour date. I found myself entranced, surprised and in hopes of seeing him again.

 

I did see him again. I saw him several times that week. We seemed to fit well together. Each date, he treated me with respect. Listened to me. drew me into wanting to see him more, and more.

 

Funny thing about dating, when you find someone you like, the beginning is always euphoric. You can’t stop smiling when you see them. You think about them when they aren’t there. You want to see them again, soon if possible. You anticipate the first time they will hold your hand. Your nerves go crazy with the anticipation of the first kiss. Then there’s the first moment that you find yourself wanting him, and anticipate the first time you will make love. Those feelings are like no other, whether your single and dating for the first time, or divorced and dating all over again. It’s almost if you’re weightless, free—happy.

 

The first kiss was sweet and sincere. The second kiss felt like the fourth of July. His hands are soft, and strong. When we make love, it’s like nothing I have ever experienced. You would think that would be the end of the story, right? Well, it’s not. He is all those things, but as things turn out, it doesn’t seem that the chapter that started so strong will finish with a happy ending.

 

During the nine months, we have traveled to a bed and breakfast, a vineyard, and even overseas. We have had numerous dinners on his patio. We have late night sexual get togethers. We have had hundreds of kisses. Watched a handful of movies. Taken strolls through parks and malls. We have also had numerous talks. Talks where I cry, and he explains why he’s not ready to be more serious. Talks where I have asked why I am even in his life if he doesn’t see a forever with me. Talks where he claims I’m important, and special and will work to show me a such. Talks that I have now taken as a sign of a man that loves himself more than he will ever care for me. He is in fact, talking himself out of my heart.

 

Since his schedule was so demanding, I use to make sure that I would try to make myself available any time he had time. I became so accustomed to doing this, that I found myself changing things around with friends to accommodate him. Figured my friends would understand, and I had to seize the time he had.

 

I had a friend tell me, that she loved that I was finding myself again and she hoped that I wouldn’t lose myself when I met someone. I was losing myself. When did I realize that I was losing myself for him? I think I have known it for some time, but didn’t want to acknowledge it. I was losing myself because I was really caring about him and wanted him to care about me. But wanting is NOT getting.

 

Today, I made a huge step to finding me again. We were supposed to spend a day together. I cleared the entire day, and he assured me we’d spend it doing something new for the both of us. A few hours before we were supposed meet, I contacted him and asked him if 12:00 p.m. was a good time for him. I thought that would be good time for him to have gotten his errands completed and that it would allow us to have the remainder of the day for us. He responded by saying he wouldn’t be able to make it because he wasn’t even in town. (This isn’t common practice for him, he normally stands by our plans, it’s just the planning part that has been difficult for him).

 

I was perplexed. Had I gotten the dates wrong? Had he not confirmed two days earlier? His response, he didn’t want to talk about it. In other words, he didn’t want to argue about this, much like we had in the past. I had to laugh. What am I doing? What has happened to me? Why is it ok for him to treat me this way, just because he was so great that the beginning? Really?

 

I took in a deep breath and said it was ok. It was ok. I have been running in circles for months for this guy, and he hasn’t even broken a sweat. Almost instantly, the world seemed brighter. I started my car, cranked up the music, and begin the drive away from something I had been so eager to enter months earlier.

 

It’s obvious that I am not valuable to him. Me making him valuable to me, wasn’t going to make him feel more for me. I know that this is about to entail my first heart break after my divorce, but I’m feeling stronger as I open that door this time. There was love there, I know it. I feel it for him, so to say it won’t hurt because of lack of love is false. I know that this walk is going to sting my feet for a minute, but it’s not going to feel like walking on coals this time. I got smart and put on some shoes. These shoes won’t protect me completely, but they will keep me from feeling the full sting of coals and remind me that my shoes are my own—comfortable and cute with just enough protection and I can take them off when I no longer need them.

 

 

 

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